I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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