she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize