I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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