i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just took my morning after pill in the library
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize