she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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