Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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