NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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