i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
