I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize