I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
