Soap is not a condiment
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
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