I saw his package. It spoke to me.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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