just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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