Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
