But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
