I am spending my child support on dildos
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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