So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
