Sober January is a disaster.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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