Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
