I got chris browned last night
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
