I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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