dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
