New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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