Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
