she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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