you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
