maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
