sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
