I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize