One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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