why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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