it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
