Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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