So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You're a waste of cheezeits
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
