If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Buhtt sex?
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
