I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize