Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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