she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
