I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
