He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
