i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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