I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
