You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
You need Xanax blowdarts
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize