i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize