My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
