That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
