I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
