we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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