Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
