The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
