I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
