note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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