i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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