At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
