What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
