Porn is love you can see.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
