Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
