I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
