Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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