a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
